My plans

First of all, I realized that I had never posted what happened with K, because nothing actually "happened." It just didn't work for me. He was a great guy, but it didn't feel right and I realized that I absolutely have every right to be picky selective. The whole "It's not you, it's me" thing is true in my case. I know that when I find the right guy I will know it. I won't worry about what's going to happen with one thing or another, I will just know it's all going to work out in the end. So there's that.

One of my BFFs baby shower was Saturday. It was special, I have known her since prek, and she was there for me throughout my whole pregnancy with P and ever since. I wanted to give her my undivided attention on her special day, so I opted to leave P with my dad. See, he is a great kid, but he is a little wild at times, especially in that type of setting. Problem was, my dad couldn't watch him. I thought, okay, I will let M watch him (with the supervision of his mom) for a few hours. This was a HUGE step for me to even consider this. I called M Friday and no answer. Texted him, still no answer. I didn't tell him what I wanted, but it shouldn't matter, his priority should be P. Eventually I asked my brother and he was super excited to watch P.

Saturday NIGHT, M finally texted me and all it said was "hey." Eventually it came out that he was at "Hog Rock" which is a biker festival/camping weekend where girls run around naked. Seriously. I didn't even answer. Of course all day today he kept trying to text me but I have no desire to talk to him. How am I supposed to deal with this? It's like dealing with a teenager, only a teenager is a little bit more responsible.

In other news, we started going to church again! Now that I have Sundays off =) Yay! We actually started a new church, nothing against my old one but I grew up in that small church and now I'm a single mom and just get a weird vibe there. At the new church, it's like a new begining. Everyone welcomed us like we were family, and I even enjoyed the Sunday school. We also went to the evening service and they had a visiting music group that was so amazing. The church nursery was great and P loved it, he ran right in and didn't even care when I left.

I feel like our life is getting put together so beautifully. Also, one of the verses in the Sunday school lesson was one of my favorite verses of all time. Maybe I don't know what the plan for my life is, but He does, and shouldn't that be enough? Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)  Maybe I don't know what the plan for my life is, but He does, and shouldn't that be enough?

Pathetic

Today after going to the park with one of my best friends, I decided I would let M see P. He had been asking and I couldn't ignore him, so I said okay we will stop by on our way home. He said he would be at his sisters and that worked for us. We got there right as he was getting there from work.

He played with P... somewhat, mostly just talked to me and his sister while I chased P because he was getting into everything. I asked him to please got get P twice in a row and after the second time he says "Why do I always have to be the bad guy, why don't you go get him?" My response was "Because I ALWAYS have to be the bad guy because I am with him 24/7." That shut him up.

He of course decides to start a fight with me in front of his sister, which doesn't bother me in the least. Afterall, everytime he steps out of the room she tells me how they keep trying him to get his act together and how he's acting different now and all this stuff. He says "Why can't you let me take my son??" I tell him because he doesn't even make the effort to come visit him on a regular basis so why should I sacrifice my time with him.

He really doesn't get it. He wants me to just hand him over and say here you go see you in a few days. That's not going to happen. I tell him that I can't trust him, he freaks out and says he is going to take a shower. I ask if we should leave and he says no, can't he just take a shower. Of course, I say, but if you are going to get out of the shower and leave 10 minutes later we would prefer to just leave now. He says that's not going to happen.

He gets out of the shower after 20-25 minutes. Plays with P, goes back in the bathroom to fix his hair. Comes out and says "Well, I'm going to have to get going soon, I'm going out." We leave. We were there a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes. At least 30 minutes of that he was in the bathroom. It's pathetic.

Not Lost

Got a text from M today. Says, in these exact words "do i need to come find you?"

I am not lost. I am not hiding. I still live in the same apartment, still work at the same place. In a town 10 minutes away from you. If it's hide and seek you're wanting to play, it won't be a very interesting game because I will be exactly where you expect.

I refuse to respond to his threats, so I say nothing. He doesn't say anything else. I wait. I wonder if he will actually show up. I wonder if he even wants to see P, or if he just wants to play games. It's never simple with him. If it were, we wouldn't be in this situation.

P has not asked about his daddy at all. It's like he knows. Knows that he ditched him, and he's going to show him that he doesn't care. That he's better off. That he has tons of people that love him so much and would drop everything to come see him.

I do not talk bad about M to anyone, especially P. I do not talk about him at all to anyone. Only here. If someone asks where he's been, I say I don't know. People notice he doesn't come around.

I don't want P to be the kid with the dad who could care less. I don't want kids to feel bad when they have Father-Son events and P's daddy doesn't show up. He deserves better. He deserves everything.

I can give him everything else in the world. But I can't give him a caring, thoughtful, loving dad. I can't be mom and dad all rolled into one. I can't.

The not so fun subject...

I haven't heard from M in days. This both excites me and angers me. Excites me because I do want him to go away, angers me because it's so easy for him. He texted me a few days ago and all it said was "Can I take P shopping tomorrow?" Okay...

A. If I would even think about keep P by himself it would not involve him driving him anywhere. He is not a good driver, and I have no idea where he would take him. Bad idea.

B. What are you going to go shopping for? Why don't you give me the child support instead, so I can put it in his savings account like I've asked you to do every time you get paid. I buy him everything he needs. If you wanted to buy something fun to give him, fine, but don't go waste all your money on things he either already has or doesn't need. Put the money in his savings account, so I will be able to tell him one day that his daddy cared enough to help me plan for his future.

C. Really? He is now 19 months old and you've decided you want to take him somewhere. It's a little too late, he wouldn't want to go with you because he is always scared you're going to take him away from me... how he thinks this is even a possibility is beyond me. He clings to me when you mention the word Bye-Bye, making sure that I'm coming along, too. Because as much as he loves going Bye-Bye, he loves his momma even more.  He's wise beyond his years year.

I don't think it's fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to P. I know life isn't fair, but I don't want P to learn that too soon. I looked into Illinois law on termination of parental rights. It's shitty. Yes, if I could convince M to sign over his rights the court would most likely allow it... IF, and this is a big if, I am married to someone who wants to adopt P.

They say if a child in IL is born with a legal father, they have to keep a legal father. They don't want the mother to deal with undue financial burden. Hmmm... I think it's more of a financial burden to have him in our life. I have to drive all over just to take P to see his dad, and most of the time he is bored with him after an hour or so.

So my son has to have a shitty father for the rest of his life, unless I find someone who will marry me and adopt P. I don't think that's right. Hey, no pressure, but if we get married can you adopt my son as well so I can get rid of his crazy dad? Yeah, okay. Not to mention, if the reason I wanted M to sign over his rights was for someone else to adopt P, he wouldn't sign them just out of spite.

I just want him to go away. The problem is, he always comes back. Can you imagine how confusing that is for my sweet hearted little boy...

Date #2- Success

So Red Lobster was great. It turned out a little differently than I had thought it would. See, it was only going to be a few family members. That turned into like 9 people total. My Aunt, Uncle, Other Aunt, Cousin, Mom, Her Friend, and yes, P came along as well. A lot of people for a second date. Yeah.

I was really nervous about P coming along. Not because I don't love him and want him to go everywhere with me...and yes, he is a great kid but sometimes he can get a little crazy in restaurants. Plus, K had yet to meet him. However, it didn't really seem as though I was formally introducing them because it was a big group of people, I sorta liked that.

P was an angel through the whole meal. We had a great time, and K really seemed to have fun even afterwards commented on having a good time. We went back to his house and rode his Three-wheeler and this time I drove. A little scary, I'm not gonna lie. haha. Then we went on a boat ride in the dark, that was pretty neat. We had a good time.

So, I'm just going to enjoy it for now and not worry. I really think way too much about things, and then I get nervous for no reason at all.

it went great...

I know, I know I left you hanging. The date went really well believe it or not. We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant then out to his pond. We went out on the boat and fed the catfish and just talked. I dont know what made it so fun, it just was. Then we went out on his fourwheeler,now that was fun. We probably rode around for two hours or more.

He's really interested in me. It's sad that I am surprised at this. The questions he asks me are so genuine, like he really wants to find out who I am. He also asked questions about P which always makes me smile. But also worries me.

I guess I'm just afraid to get hurt. A child is a lot for anyone to deal with, especially for someone who has none of their own. He is my age. Pretty young, and maybe he doesn't have any clue what it's like. What if I fall in love but it's too much for him to handle. And if that happened could I really blame him?

I know I'm putting too much thought into this but thats just me. I have to be prepared for the worst, just in case.

Date #2 is Saturday night. We're meeting some of my family at Red Lobster after I get off work. It's a no kids dinner so I invited him and he seemed excited to go. Wish me luck.

Date Night

So I have a date tonight. I think it's a date at least.

I've been talking to/texting a guy from work. Doesn't work in my department or anything, just at the hospital. He works in IT. Computer guy. I've known him for quite awhile I guess, but the other day I added him to Facebook. We started chatting on there and he gave me his phone number in case I wanted to text him later. So I did. We've been texting back and forth for a few days now.

Last night he asked me if I wanted to come over and hang out at his pond. He has a little boat and all that and we had talked about it a few times so he invited me over. I said okay. So we're on. Today he said we could go get something to eat, too, if I wanted to. So I guess that means it's a date, but what do I know.

He's a really nice guy. And so far I really like him. We never run out of things to talk about, so that's good. Still I'm nervous. It's been awhile since I've went on a date and I have butterflies. That's a good thing, right? I don't know what to think anymore, I just hope it goes well.