I found out I was pregnant with P in April of 2009. We were actually both very excited. He had a job, I was in college full time. We would make it work. Somewhere along the way he lost his job. Then he got another. We started renting a house. He lost his job again. I became overwhelmed with being pregnant, going to school full time, and not having any
I bought everything for P, with the help of my family. I painted most of his room. I put together his crib by myself. I put together his changing table by myself. He may have been there, but he wasn't there.
He still didn't get a job. He would do side jobs here and there to help pay the bills. But he never bought anything for P. Never once. I just wanted him to buy him something, so one day I could say "This is the first thing your daddy bought you."
Along came December, and my little man decided to arrive early. Luckily, he was perfectly healthy and only spent a small time in the NICU. I was so happy to have him before Christmas. M stayed with me the first night in the hospital, the next morning he went home. He came back to visit for awhile, then went home again. The next night it was just me and P. Little did I know that was how it was going to be from then on.
P was a good baby, but not a big sleeper. I was the only one to wake up with him every 3 hours. It was a bit of a challenge at first, I really like my sleep, but I love my angel and I never complained. Sometimes I wished M would help us out, just so I would feel like he loved me. Like he loved P. That we mattered.
I only had 3 months of school left, but it wasn't easy. I didn't have help from M, emotionally or financially, and it was taking a toll on me. If I didn't have my family who knows what would have happened. I tried to talk to him about it. I tried to fix it. Some things are so far broken that they can't be fixed.
When P was 6 months old I started packing up our things. M hadn't paid the rent in I'm not sure how long, and I didn't care to know. On an average day we might see him 30 minutes, or not for 3 days. I don't know where he was. I didn't care. If he was there, he wasn't there.
He was shocked when we moved. Couldn't understand how I could split our family up. At that point, I was so numb it didn't matter to me. The only thing that mattered was my baby boy, and him being in a safe environment. With a happy mommy. We lived with my parents for a few months while
When we got our apartment I realized how happy I was. This was how it felt to be in a safe, secure, dare I say- HAPPY environment. I now had a great job, P was a well adjusted baby who always had a smile on his face. It felt great. I didn't tell M when we moved into the apartment, I didn't want him to come looking for us.
I would take P to a park or a neutral place and let them play while I observed. He wanted to know why I wouldn't let him take P anywhere by himself. Why would he start now, he never wanted to when we were "together." I told him when P was old enough to voice that he wanted to go with his daddy that would be fine. P still doesn't do that.
M moved out of state for a few months before P turned 1. He didn't see P in that whole time, for 3-4 months. He didn't send him a birthday present. He didn't send him a birthday card. Nothing. When he came back he expected open arms. I finally agreed to let him see P after he had been back for a few weeks.
A few months later he finally got a job. In total, since P's birth, he has given me maybe $500. It's not about the money. I have plenty of money for me and P. It's the fact that it's his son, too, and he should care enough about him to give him money. To buy him things. 7/2011-He has kept this job for about 3 months now, the longest I have ever know of him to keep one. He tries to come and see P once a week, but that doesn't usually happen.
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