The not so fun subject...

I haven't heard from M in days. This both excites me and angers me. Excites me because I do want him to go away, angers me because it's so easy for him. He texted me a few days ago and all it said was "Can I take P shopping tomorrow?" Okay...

A. If I would even think about keep P by himself it would not involve him driving him anywhere. He is not a good driver, and I have no idea where he would take him. Bad idea.

B. What are you going to go shopping for? Why don't you give me the child support instead, so I can put it in his savings account like I've asked you to do every time you get paid. I buy him everything he needs. If you wanted to buy something fun to give him, fine, but don't go waste all your money on things he either already has or doesn't need. Put the money in his savings account, so I will be able to tell him one day that his daddy cared enough to help me plan for his future.

C. Really? He is now 19 months old and you've decided you want to take him somewhere. It's a little too late, he wouldn't want to go with you because he is always scared you're going to take him away from me... how he thinks this is even a possibility is beyond me. He clings to me when you mention the word Bye-Bye, making sure that I'm coming along, too. Because as much as he loves going Bye-Bye, he loves his momma even more.  He's wise beyond his years year.

I don't think it's fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to P. I know life isn't fair, but I don't want P to learn that too soon. I looked into Illinois law on termination of parental rights. It's shitty. Yes, if I could convince M to sign over his rights the court would most likely allow it... IF, and this is a big if, I am married to someone who wants to adopt P.

They say if a child in IL is born with a legal father, they have to keep a legal father. They don't want the mother to deal with undue financial burden. Hmmm... I think it's more of a financial burden to have him in our life. I have to drive all over just to take P to see his dad, and most of the time he is bored with him after an hour or so.

So my son has to have a shitty father for the rest of his life, unless I find someone who will marry me and adopt P. I don't think that's right. Hey, no pressure, but if we get married can you adopt my son as well so I can get rid of his crazy dad? Yeah, okay. Not to mention, if the reason I wanted M to sign over his rights was for someone else to adopt P, he wouldn't sign them just out of spite.

I just want him to go away. The problem is, he always comes back. Can you imagine how confusing that is for my sweet hearted little boy...