My plans

First of all, I realized that I had never posted what happened with K, because nothing actually "happened." It just didn't work for me. He was a great guy, but it didn't feel right and I realized that I absolutely have every right to be picky selective. The whole "It's not you, it's me" thing is true in my case. I know that when I find the right guy I will know it. I won't worry about what's going to happen with one thing or another, I will just know it's all going to work out in the end. So there's that.

One of my BFFs baby shower was Saturday. It was special, I have known her since prek, and she was there for me throughout my whole pregnancy with P and ever since. I wanted to give her my undivided attention on her special day, so I opted to leave P with my dad. See, he is a great kid, but he is a little wild at times, especially in that type of setting. Problem was, my dad couldn't watch him. I thought, okay, I will let M watch him (with the supervision of his mom) for a few hours. This was a HUGE step for me to even consider this. I called M Friday and no answer. Texted him, still no answer. I didn't tell him what I wanted, but it shouldn't matter, his priority should be P. Eventually I asked my brother and he was super excited to watch P.

Saturday NIGHT, M finally texted me and all it said was "hey." Eventually it came out that he was at "Hog Rock" which is a biker festival/camping weekend where girls run around naked. Seriously. I didn't even answer. Of course all day today he kept trying to text me but I have no desire to talk to him. How am I supposed to deal with this? It's like dealing with a teenager, only a teenager is a little bit more responsible.

In other news, we started going to church again! Now that I have Sundays off =) Yay! We actually started a new church, nothing against my old one but I grew up in that small church and now I'm a single mom and just get a weird vibe there. At the new church, it's like a new begining. Everyone welcomed us like we were family, and I even enjoyed the Sunday school. We also went to the evening service and they had a visiting music group that was so amazing. The church nursery was great and P loved it, he ran right in and didn't even care when I left.

I feel like our life is getting put together so beautifully. Also, one of the verses in the Sunday school lesson was one of my favorite verses of all time. Maybe I don't know what the plan for my life is, but He does, and shouldn't that be enough? Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (NIV)  Maybe I don't know what the plan for my life is, but He does, and shouldn't that be enough?

Pathetic

Today after going to the park with one of my best friends, I decided I would let M see P. He had been asking and I couldn't ignore him, so I said okay we will stop by on our way home. He said he would be at his sisters and that worked for us. We got there right as he was getting there from work.

He played with P... somewhat, mostly just talked to me and his sister while I chased P because he was getting into everything. I asked him to please got get P twice in a row and after the second time he says "Why do I always have to be the bad guy, why don't you go get him?" My response was "Because I ALWAYS have to be the bad guy because I am with him 24/7." That shut him up.

He of course decides to start a fight with me in front of his sister, which doesn't bother me in the least. Afterall, everytime he steps out of the room she tells me how they keep trying him to get his act together and how he's acting different now and all this stuff. He says "Why can't you let me take my son??" I tell him because he doesn't even make the effort to come visit him on a regular basis so why should I sacrifice my time with him.

He really doesn't get it. He wants me to just hand him over and say here you go see you in a few days. That's not going to happen. I tell him that I can't trust him, he freaks out and says he is going to take a shower. I ask if we should leave and he says no, can't he just take a shower. Of course, I say, but if you are going to get out of the shower and leave 10 minutes later we would prefer to just leave now. He says that's not going to happen.

He gets out of the shower after 20-25 minutes. Plays with P, goes back in the bathroom to fix his hair. Comes out and says "Well, I'm going to have to get going soon, I'm going out." We leave. We were there a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes. At least 30 minutes of that he was in the bathroom. It's pathetic.

Not Lost

Got a text from M today. Says, in these exact words "do i need to come find you?"

I am not lost. I am not hiding. I still live in the same apartment, still work at the same place. In a town 10 minutes away from you. If it's hide and seek you're wanting to play, it won't be a very interesting game because I will be exactly where you expect.

I refuse to respond to his threats, so I say nothing. He doesn't say anything else. I wait. I wonder if he will actually show up. I wonder if he even wants to see P, or if he just wants to play games. It's never simple with him. If it were, we wouldn't be in this situation.

P has not asked about his daddy at all. It's like he knows. Knows that he ditched him, and he's going to show him that he doesn't care. That he's better off. That he has tons of people that love him so much and would drop everything to come see him.

I do not talk bad about M to anyone, especially P. I do not talk about him at all to anyone. Only here. If someone asks where he's been, I say I don't know. People notice he doesn't come around.

I don't want P to be the kid with the dad who could care less. I don't want kids to feel bad when they have Father-Son events and P's daddy doesn't show up. He deserves better. He deserves everything.

I can give him everything else in the world. But I can't give him a caring, thoughtful, loving dad. I can't be mom and dad all rolled into one. I can't.

The not so fun subject...

I haven't heard from M in days. This both excites me and angers me. Excites me because I do want him to go away, angers me because it's so easy for him. He texted me a few days ago and all it said was "Can I take P shopping tomorrow?" Okay...

A. If I would even think about keep P by himself it would not involve him driving him anywhere. He is not a good driver, and I have no idea where he would take him. Bad idea.

B. What are you going to go shopping for? Why don't you give me the child support instead, so I can put it in his savings account like I've asked you to do every time you get paid. I buy him everything he needs. If you wanted to buy something fun to give him, fine, but don't go waste all your money on things he either already has or doesn't need. Put the money in his savings account, so I will be able to tell him one day that his daddy cared enough to help me plan for his future.

C. Really? He is now 19 months old and you've decided you want to take him somewhere. It's a little too late, he wouldn't want to go with you because he is always scared you're going to take him away from me... how he thinks this is even a possibility is beyond me. He clings to me when you mention the word Bye-Bye, making sure that I'm coming along, too. Because as much as he loves going Bye-Bye, he loves his momma even more.  He's wise beyond his years year.

I don't think it's fair. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to P. I know life isn't fair, but I don't want P to learn that too soon. I looked into Illinois law on termination of parental rights. It's shitty. Yes, if I could convince M to sign over his rights the court would most likely allow it... IF, and this is a big if, I am married to someone who wants to adopt P.

They say if a child in IL is born with a legal father, they have to keep a legal father. They don't want the mother to deal with undue financial burden. Hmmm... I think it's more of a financial burden to have him in our life. I have to drive all over just to take P to see his dad, and most of the time he is bored with him after an hour or so.

So my son has to have a shitty father for the rest of his life, unless I find someone who will marry me and adopt P. I don't think that's right. Hey, no pressure, but if we get married can you adopt my son as well so I can get rid of his crazy dad? Yeah, okay. Not to mention, if the reason I wanted M to sign over his rights was for someone else to adopt P, he wouldn't sign them just out of spite.

I just want him to go away. The problem is, he always comes back. Can you imagine how confusing that is for my sweet hearted little boy...

Date #2- Success

So Red Lobster was great. It turned out a little differently than I had thought it would. See, it was only going to be a few family members. That turned into like 9 people total. My Aunt, Uncle, Other Aunt, Cousin, Mom, Her Friend, and yes, P came along as well. A lot of people for a second date. Yeah.

I was really nervous about P coming along. Not because I don't love him and want him to go everywhere with me...and yes, he is a great kid but sometimes he can get a little crazy in restaurants. Plus, K had yet to meet him. However, it didn't really seem as though I was formally introducing them because it was a big group of people, I sorta liked that.

P was an angel through the whole meal. We had a great time, and K really seemed to have fun even afterwards commented on having a good time. We went back to his house and rode his Three-wheeler and this time I drove. A little scary, I'm not gonna lie. haha. Then we went on a boat ride in the dark, that was pretty neat. We had a good time.

So, I'm just going to enjoy it for now and not worry. I really think way too much about things, and then I get nervous for no reason at all.

it went great...

I know, I know I left you hanging. The date went really well believe it or not. We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant then out to his pond. We went out on the boat and fed the catfish and just talked. I dont know what made it so fun, it just was. Then we went out on his fourwheeler,now that was fun. We probably rode around for two hours or more.

He's really interested in me. It's sad that I am surprised at this. The questions he asks me are so genuine, like he really wants to find out who I am. He also asked questions about P which always makes me smile. But also worries me.

I guess I'm just afraid to get hurt. A child is a lot for anyone to deal with, especially for someone who has none of their own. He is my age. Pretty young, and maybe he doesn't have any clue what it's like. What if I fall in love but it's too much for him to handle. And if that happened could I really blame him?

I know I'm putting too much thought into this but thats just me. I have to be prepared for the worst, just in case.

Date #2 is Saturday night. We're meeting some of my family at Red Lobster after I get off work. It's a no kids dinner so I invited him and he seemed excited to go. Wish me luck.

Date Night

So I have a date tonight. I think it's a date at least.

I've been talking to/texting a guy from work. Doesn't work in my department or anything, just at the hospital. He works in IT. Computer guy. I've known him for quite awhile I guess, but the other day I added him to Facebook. We started chatting on there and he gave me his phone number in case I wanted to text him later. So I did. We've been texting back and forth for a few days now.

Last night he asked me if I wanted to come over and hang out at his pond. He has a little boat and all that and we had talked about it a few times so he invited me over. I said okay. So we're on. Today he said we could go get something to eat, too, if I wanted to. So I guess that means it's a date, but what do I know.

He's a really nice guy. And so far I really like him. We never run out of things to talk about, so that's good. Still I'm nervous. It's been awhile since I've went on a date and I have butterflies. That's a good thing, right? I don't know what to think anymore, I just hope it goes well.

How many chances

How many chances do you give someone to be a daddy? I've lost count. How do I know what's best for my son. Everyone says it messes children up when they have an absent father. But what about a father that comes and goes as he pleases? A father that doesn't buy birthday presents, or even a card. A father who doesn't deserve the title "daddy."

We had been getting along great. I actually had begun to trust him. Big mistake on my part, I know. We had somewhat of a routine. M would come over once or twice a week, play with us, feed P whatever I cooked for him, give him a bath. We would all watch a movie, then both of us would put P to bed. Then M would go home. P really seemed to enjoy this routine.

P & I went on vacation in June, we were gone for a week. When we came back M wanted to see him. I asked if he could come see him the next day, and that didn't work for him. He just likes to mess with me. So we agreed on Monday. I took P to see M, because M didn't want to come to our place. Whatever. We stayed for maybe 2 hours, at which point M kept remarking that P looked tired, hinting for us to leave. We left.

It has been TWO weeks since M has seen P. By his choice. I worked a lot this past week, and M is not allowed to take P by himself. He thinks this is why I have never sued for child support, and that does have something to do with it. Deep down I am afraid he would sue for custody if I went for child support, and I can't let that happen. I don't trust him with our my son.

However, I had Thursday off. I told him that I would sacrifice my only day off so that he could come see P, or we would come see him. He said he would come to us. He got off work at 2:30, at which time I called to make sure he was still coming. Yes, he says, I'm going home to take a shower and I will be there. I call him once again at 5:00 and he says he was sitting down for a minute and then he'd be here. I do have a couch at my place, for the record. He never showed up. I had told P that his daddy was coming over. This really struck a nerve with me. I don't tell P in advance unless I talk to M right before he is heading over.

This broke my heart. I am supposed to protect him. I am the one he can trust, the one who always keeps her promises. I lied to my baby. I didn't mean to, I didn't know his dad wasn't going to show up, but I can't explain that to him. Never again will I tell P that daddy is coming over, because what little trust I had with M is now completely gone.

He texted my phone at 7:30... all it said was "Ughh I fell asleep, sorry." I didn't respond. I know M is a pathological liar, and I know whether he is lying pretty much all the time, even from a text. Sometimes he doesn't even know he's lying (he belives his own lies), but this time he did. I had texted his mom at 5:30 to see if he was still there. The next morning she texted me back and said "He went out with his brother to the sunset concert last night."

Whoa, now, wait a minute! Not only did he ditch his son, but he lied to me about it when he could have just said from the beginning that he wasn't coming. That he didn't care that he hadn't seen P for weeks. I let him know that I knew what he really did, and told him that I would not allow him to break our sons heart the way he broke mine. His response? "Who told you."

I am so sick of being the good guy. I am sick of not being able to say what I feel, to let everyone know what is happening. I have another blog, yes, but I will not say negative things about M on there. He is my son's father and I will not do that, but I feel if I do it here on my "secret blog" that it's somewhat of a compromise. He can lead his family and friends to think that he is a wonderful father and that I keep P from him too much, and I can tell the world what's really going on.

A little backstory...

I met M when I was 18. I was going into my second year of college, and I fell head over heels. We went out for a few months but he broke my heart by the end of the summer. I'm not really sure how we got back in touch, but about 6 months later we started dating again. This time, I broke his heart. Fast forward a few months and we're right back to where we started. This time, both of us head over heels, neither of us wanting to break the other.

I found out I was pregnant with P in April of 2009. We were actually both very excited. He had a job, I was in college full time. We would make it work. Somewhere along the way he lost his job. Then he got another. We started renting a house. He lost his job again. I became overwhelmed with being pregnant, going to school full time, and not having any financial help.

I bought everything for P, with the help of my family. I painted most of his room. I put together his crib by myself. I put together his changing table by myself. He may have been there, but he wasn't there.

He still didn't get a job. He would do side jobs here and there to help pay the bills. But he never bought anything for P. Never once. I just wanted him to buy him something, so one day I could say "This is the first thing your daddy bought you."

Along came December, and my little man decided to arrive early. Luckily, he was perfectly healthy and only spent a small time in the NICU. I was so happy to have him before Christmas. M stayed with me the first night in the hospital, the next morning he went home. He came back to visit for awhile, then went home again. The next night it was just me and P. Little did I know that was how it was going to be from then on.

P was a good baby, but not a big sleeper. I was the only one to wake up with him every 3 hours. It was a bit of a challenge at first, I really like my sleep, but I love my angel and I never complained. Sometimes I wished M would help us out, just so I would feel like he loved me. Like he loved P. That we mattered.

I only had 3 months of school left, but it wasn't easy. I didn't have help from M, emotionally or financially, and it was taking a toll on me. If I didn't have my family who knows what would have happened. I tried to talk to him about it. I tried to fix it. Some things are so far broken that they can't be fixed.

When P was 6 months old I started packing up our things. M hadn't paid the rent in I'm not sure how long, and I didn't care to know. On an average day we might see him 30 minutes, or not for 3 days. I don't know where he was. I didn't care. If he was there, he wasn't there.

He was shocked when we moved. Couldn't understand how I could split our family up. At that point, I was so numb it didn't matter to me. The only thing that mattered was my baby boy, and him being in a safe environment. With a happy mommy. We lived with my parents for a few months while looking for apartments. In those 3 months, he probably seen P 3 times.

When we got our apartment I realized how happy I was. This was how it felt to be in a safe, secure, dare I say- HAPPY environment. I now had a great job, P was a well adjusted baby who always had a smile on his face. It felt great. I didn't tell M when we moved into the apartment, I didn't want him to come looking for us.

I would take P to a park or a neutral place and let them play while I observed. He wanted to know why I wouldn't let him take P anywhere by himself. Why would he start now, he never wanted to when we were "together." I told him when P was old enough to voice that he wanted to go with his daddy that would be fine. P still doesn't do that.

M moved out of state for a few months before P turned 1. He didn't see P in that whole time, for 3-4 months. He didn't send him a birthday present. He didn't send him a birthday card. Nothing. When he came back he expected open arms. I finally agreed to let him see P after he had been back for a few weeks.

A few months later he finally got a job. In total, since P's birth, he has given me maybe $500. It's not about the money. I have plenty of money for me and P. It's the fact that it's his son, too, and he should care enough about him to give him money. To buy him things. He has kept this job for about 3 months now, the longest I have ever know of him to keep one. He tries to come and see P once a week, but that doesn't usually happen.